Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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