I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
