When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
