remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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