That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
