Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
