I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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