just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
