He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
