2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
why do cheetos always look like penises
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
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