My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
