We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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