I wish I only lived at night.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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