Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
