The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I could fuck to npr.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
