I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
