Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
