It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
