I'm pants shitting drunk right now
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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