I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
