I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Mom said you looked used
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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