I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
