Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
