All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
