So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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