I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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