All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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