Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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