That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
