she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
