dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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