Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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