You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
