I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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