i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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