1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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