I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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