listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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