i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
This house was built for laser tag.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
