Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
