I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
