Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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