I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
