She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
