Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
