so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
