my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
