you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
