i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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