i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
