mondays should just be called national damage control day
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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