Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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