Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
