ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
