I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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