all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Randomize
