I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
