Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Drunk is a universal language darling
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