I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
