Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
