1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
