True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
