well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize