Your dad touched me again.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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