I accidentally had phone sex last night
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
