Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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