he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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